To my brother Chris Reimer, my first best friend and anchor in the world. I love you here and beyond.

Grateful thanks are due to the following individuals and organizations, without whom this project would not have been actualized. It takes a community!

Residency: Banff Centre for the Arts provided me with a scholarship to attend the 2013 Interventions Writing Residency, which gave me the time and space to start to think about transmuting my love and grief for Chris into this project. Danielle LaFrance and Simon Brown in particular were friends and comrades there -- love and solidarity! Thanks to Amy Letter for asking for my essay for The Rumpus.
Poetry: Some of these poems were workshopped in L.A. Warman's Death workshop in early 2020. Fred Wah looked at early versions of them in 2013. Jonathon Wilcke is first reader.
Grant help
: GRIEFWAVE followed me around in body and spirit for ten years, and it never occurred to me that I dare ask for help with its completion till Vivek Shraya suggested I apply for a grant. Duh! Yes! Of course! Thank you! Sincere gratitude to Marcello Di Cintio, Heather Clitheroe, and Carrie Cutforth for assistance in conceptualizing and refining my grant proposal. Thank you to the Canada Council for funding this project.
Technical: Gloria Leung suggested the Webflow platform. Rebecca Faria suggested resources for media transcription. Callen Law transcribed most of the media files. All audio mastered by Rena Kozak / SoundPony Audio.
Patrons: Thank you to Missy Clarkson, Helen Braund, Rena Kozak / Child Actress, Angela Rawlings, Silvana Campus, Adam Shanley, Lourdes Juan, Amy LeBlanc, Andrea Actis, Allison Moore and Todd Nickel.
Special thanks to testers: Silvana Campus; Adam Shanley (and for steady encouragement and support throughout the life of this project) and Helen Braund for a careful read and site check.
The work of mourning in/through art: Sharon Stevens and the Equinox Vigil.
The First Rule of Grief Club: is by Alex Leslie
Getting shit done: Work Zone friends: Jeremy Stewart, Ginger Rodgers, Meagan Black. Dusty Chipura and the ADHD Creators Crew.
Publicity: Thanks to Arielle Hudnell and ZG Stories.

Thanks to Rena Kozak for being my spiritual sister.
Thanks to my parents Tim and Jo Reimer for their unwavering support.
Thanks to my partner Jonathon Wilcke.
The receipt of my Canada Council funding and impetus to complete the project coincided with a period of extreme upheaval in my life, and I am eternally indebted to material and moral support from Ginger Rodgers, Chelsea LaBossiere, and Allison Moore during this challenging time.

Canada Council for the arts logo

Credits and sources

Home page

I made the pysanky egg skull appearing on the home page and throughout as a digital collage from photographs of psyanky (traditional painted Ukrainian easter eggs) made by my great-great-Baba over one hundred years ago.
James Cullen made the wave recording for me at his home in Halfmoon Bay, BC.

[every edit a distortion]

Opening image to the video a photograph taken by Chris on March 4, 2011, at an art studio at South Van Ness and 13th in San Francisco, where he was staying prior to going on tour with Meric Long and Logan Kroeber of The Dodos. The clicking and glitching is made on a 2009 Bug Brand BoardWeevil, found in Chris' room after his passing.

rupture robot

Picture of Chris by Nick Helderman.
Sound created and recorded in Banff, Alberta in February 2013: wind, snow, Board Weevil, cemetery gates.

elegy for collective subjectivity

Text in left column by Chris Reimer. 'Sea vegetable' drawings in the background image collage by Chris Reimer.
Sound created and recorded in Banff, Alberta in February 2013: synthesizer, cemetery gates, coffee pot shaker.
Underwater Ambience 2 SFX licensed through Epidemic Sound.

the road to Mexico

Poem by Chris Reimer.
Ambient sound recording in the Old Banff Cemetery, February 2013.
Rabbit illustration: artist unknown. Trusset, Jules. Nouveau dictionnaire encyclopédique universel illustré.  Paris: La Librairie Illustrée, 1885-1891.

elegy for oscilloscope

Found ghost. Recorded in the Mount Pleasant neighbourhood in Calgary, Alberta in fall 2016.

A poem that you may or may not wish to sing to the tune of the Animal Collective song “Kids on Holiday"

Sync it up and see.
Schematics drawing/instructions found in the notebooks of Chris Reimer.
Stock falcon photo.
Drumsticks on the floor of my room at the Banff Centre, Korg Monotron, 2013.
Egg Shaker Rhythm by Ainigmat on
Clang 1 by editor_adp on

they could have been right all along

Poem by Chris Reimer.
Ghost by Kiarra Albina.

my, what a swift coffin

Poem by Chris Reimer.
Photograph of rusted farm implements at the abandoned site of our grandfather John Reimer's farm outside of New Dayton, AB by Chris Reimer, 2009.
Rabbit illustration artist unknown. Trusset, Jules. Nouveau dictionnaire encyclopédique universel illustré.  Paris: La Librairie Illustrée, 1885-1891.
Floating text at right from my essay "Evil in my Pocket," from Locations of Grief (Wolsak & Wynn, 2020).

elegy for turntable

Mountain road photography by Chris Reimer.
Sepia collage of our grandmother's father by Chris Reimer.
Ocean wave recording by James Cullen.

drive to Mexico

grief atoll / piece for death by dreaming

Text by Chris Reimer.

elegy for Tumblr

Text fragments from Google searches and Reddit threads.

elegy for thoracic cage

Moth photo by Clinton St. John

elegy for mobile map

Heart drawing and sea vegetable stickers by Chris Reimer.
"Smooth popular" and "tournament/health" written by Chris Reimer; "abattoir/displacement" and "tender tender" written by Nikki Reimer.

elegy for pedal theft

Chris Reimer's guitar, recorded by Nikki Reimer in his room, some time in those early awful months in 2012.

elegy for 2012

Squid and sea vegetable drawings by Chris Reimer.

elegy for narcissistic transference

Background landscape photo by Chris Reimer

my ten years of grieving

Trees photo by Chris Reimer
Can of Lucky in the snow by Chris Reimer

grief advice

Some of the 'advice' is taken from grief resources over the years and I no longer have access to or remember the original source.
Some of the 'advice' is written or rewritten by me.

To be finite, then, is not to be oriented toward one’s end but to
postpone that end—to send oneself beyond oneself in order to remain.
- Martin Hagglund.

Oh alas for the brother taken from me,
oh alas the shining light of a brother lost,
with you our whole house is buried together,
with you all our joys perish in one,
- Catullus

To express loss on that level is to cross a boundary, to violate personal space, to impose emotion in a nonemotional place - Cheryl Strayed

We are made out of stardust. The iron in the hemoglobin molecules in the blood in your right hand came from a star that blew up 8 billion years ago. The iron in your left hand came from another star. We are the laws of chemistry and physics as they have played out here on Earth and we are now learning that planets are as common as stars. Most stars, as it turns out now, will have planets. - Dr. Jill Tarter

…when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist. - Kurt Vonnegut, from Slaughterhouse-Five

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts… . Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all. - Herman Hesse, via The Marginalian

However, we have not only lost a sibling, we have lost the future we thought we were going to have. - Heidi Horsley

O you/were the best of all my days - Frank O'Hara, "Animals"

They may have gone to the ground or the sea or the sky, but a part of the spirit remains, always. Death is just a portal to the next room - This was passed around Facebook in 2012 or 2013 and I can't find the reference. Let me know if you know where this is from.

When something becomes ash,
there’s nothing you can do to turn it back.
About this, even diamonds do not lie
. - Dean Young, "Elegy on Toy Piano"

elegy for wolf like me

Photo taken by Chris Reimer.
Wolf illustration by Ernest Griset. Æsop, Rundell, Joseph Benjamin. Æsop's fables (Griset). London, New York: Cassell Petter and Galpin, n.d. [1869?].

elegy for shared alleles

no one knows where we go. when we’re dead. or when we’re dreaming. - Chad vanGaalen, shamelessly lifted
Train footage taken between Toronto and Kingston, October 2019.
Old Simple 2 by Chris Reimer from Hello People.
Hawk photo by mana5280 on Unsplash
Plane departing footage from yyc, November 2019.
Cartoon guy (cat?) drawing by Chris Reimer.

i can't think in this heat

Poem originally published by perhappened magazine.
Photos of the parrots of Telegraph Hill by Alan Levine / cogdogblog

elegy for childhood

Drone FX licensed from Epidemic Sound.
Ambient bird sound from Kelowna, BC, summer 2012
Ferry footage taken in the Kootenays during forest fire season.
The bear is my childhood teddy, the rabbit is his.

elegy for childhood

20111014 by Chris Reimer, unpublished. This one makes me want to cry.
Photography of a downtown hotel or boarding house by Chris Reimer.
Lens flare photo of tree taken in Banff, AB, February 2013.
More guitar! is a scan from Chris' notebook.

elegy for my father's son

Background desert photo by Chris Reimer.
Not sure where I got the ship image.
Rabbit illustration: artist unknown. Trusset, Jules. Nouveau dictionnaire encyclopédique universel illustré.  Paris: La Librairie Illustrée, 1885-1891.

elegy for Lucky Strike

second elegy for Lucky Strike

elegy for new media

Plane Interior SFX licensed through Epidemic Sound
Picture of kitchen with mug, cigarettes and lighter by Chris Reimer.

elegy for reincarnation

For Rena.
Hallway photograph at Secret Studios in San Francisco by Chris Reimer.
Smoking man drawing by Chris Reimer.

elegy for Korg Monotron

The Korg belonged to Chris.
Notebook doodles/creatures by Chris Reimer.

elegy for apathy

Text by Chris Reimer
Moon and whale ripped from The National Geographic
Tree rings, whorls and penis drawing by Chris Reimer

the cadence was time back and forth beating 1

we wake up in the charnel ground

Photograph of metal (sink) with blood droplets by Chris Reimer
Photograph of dead robin by Chris Reimer
Notebook doodles/creatures by Chris Reimer.

the cadence was time back and forth beating 2

Video of ocean waves by Allison Moore.
Clang 1 by editor_adp on
Large Wings Flapping - Foley by Tothrec2 on

the cadence was time back and forth beating 3

the cadence was time back and forth beating 4

Photo of the abandoned Readymade School in Coaldale, AB by Chris Reimer, 2009.
I'm not sure who took the Polaroid of Chris.
Falcon woodcut painting in the snapshot from my office by Lisa Brawn.
Human skeleton illustrated by Charles Dessalines D' Orbigny (1806-1876). Digitally enhanced from our own 1892 edition of Dictionnaire Universel D'histoire Naturelle via Public domain Free CC0 Image.

the cadence was (is) time back and forth beating 5

Evening woods photo by Chris Reimer.